So, it’s nothing new… for those that know me: my last venture overseas was difficult. Long story made short, I held onto lies as truths, responding to everyone from the bleak places of my soul. I had exchanged my joy for sorrow, the genesis of my pain, and forgot how to reclaim what was rightfully mine. Instead, I claimed jealousy + bitterness as my new avenues of perspective. I went further and further down the rabbit hole of depression, until I could not see my way out. For months I was there, in the darkness.
With that hard, difficult experience, I was not entirely eager to jump into the unknown places of the world again.
That is, until Jesus met me where I hurt most.
It’s funny how the phrase “Jesus heals & comforts” doesn’t really hold a lot of credit until you ask him to respond to your pain. Your pain in its entirety.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:28-30
“Jesus, I give you my bitterness. Jesus, I give you my jealousy.
What is it that you want to give me?”
It was a little scary. I’ll admit that. I was so fearful that instead of comforting words, Jesus would lash out in words sprinkled with disappointment and shame. Angela, why didn’t you…. Angela, how could you…. I’m so disgusted by… But, that’s not what I was given at all. Instead, I saw him. No words were shared, but with my eyes closed, I saw him. He was kneeling in front of his cross, back facing me. Focused on the ground, he dug into the earth. Breaking the ground casually with focus and ease. Then, reaching over, he took into his right hand a small cluster of flowers. I watched as he planted those flowers at the base of his cross. When that action was made complete, from behind the cross a large garden erupted, coming from nowhere, but filling every place. Filling space with color, life, and light hearted-ness.
Another exchange had been made made. Jesus had taken my toxic mess of lies and replaced it with something beautiful: joy.
When taken back to the moment when the words bearing pain were given to me, I was unsure where I would find Jesus. And, truthfully, I was afraid that he wouldn’t be there at all. Asking him, “Jesus, where are you?” –I was shocked. How did I not see this before?
Jesus was there. He was hugging me. He was comforting me. He was speaking truth over me. “You DO have purpose. You are not forgotten. I have a plan for you.”
With this, the clouds parted.
The fogginess that I had viewed the world cleared away.
I felt whole again.
It seems difficult to believe that this all happened that quickly. But, really, that is the truth. This whole encounter spanned in a matter of minutes. And, a lot of that is due to my hesitation. Jesus was ready, that whole time, to heal. to mend. to pour life + truth into me. I was just calloused to his love. I had gone to a place where I didn’t believe that he was {and is} for me.
This was months ago, but I think I’m still processing the fact that Jesus truly is with us, every step of the way. He’s not planning on leaving me. Not now, or ever.
Recently, a friend of mine challenged me to memorize a chapter in Psalms. Without truly knowing what the chapter was about, I accepted. Reading it over and over, I was amazed. It was about being known. Fully. Not only that, though, it was about God being with me always. I can go nowhere where my God is not.
Yesterday, as I was singing to my Father, I was given a beautiful phrase:
“From the brightest of lights,
to the darkest of nights,
you are there.”
I love that this is really true. I’m so grateful for the beautiful exchange that Jesus made with me several months ago. Thankful for healing + for seeing that God really is for us. For me. Not against.
